It was about 5 months after my sweet baby moved to Heaven and unfortunately we were still under investigation until they finished the findings of the autopsy. The detectives ensured me that this was just standard procedure and the case would be closed after the autopsy results. I was still on my journey, trying to continue to hold on to the peace of God that he had bestowed upon me through this most tragic day of my life. I decided to watch a 20/20 episode. The worst mistake of my journey. The episode was about a mother of five who met a young child that was in foster care who had many emotional problems from abuse in his past. She met him at church and fell in love with him. Her husband and family made a decision to take him home with them and become his forever home. Their hearts were in the right place and they wanted to love him back to life. Along this journey, he had a compulsive eating problem along with many other behavioral problems. He was about 3 or 4 years old. He would get up in the middle of the night and just eat everything he could get his hands on. They had to lock up all the food to try to stop him. At church, he would go through the trash and just eat anything he could put in his mouth. Many people saw this and were trying to keep him safe and they had to go through extremes to keep things out of his mouth. One day, he got a hold of a box of salt and ate the whole thing. He soon got really sick. She did not know yet what he had done, but she began to treat him just like any other mother would. Gave him tylenol to get his fever down. After a little bit, put him in the bathtub with lukewarm water to try to get his fever down. He started convulsing not long after that and they put him in the car to rush him to the hospital. He passed away at the hospital. They did an autopsy and found out that he died from an overdose of salt. The mother was arrested for not taking him to the hospital fast enough. She did exactly what any mother would do when their children become sick. They try to control it at home and then if they get worse, take them to the doctor. Well, in the end, she was sentenced to 20 years for manslaughter. I was so shocked, mad, and troubled by this injustice.

When you lose a child, you already think to yourself that it is your fault, what could you have done differently, what if I would have taken him to the hospital immediately when he showed a sign of being sick. Ryder had a 24 hour stomach bug a week previously and it had spread to the whole family one by one. After that and during that week he also developed an ear infection and he had already had tubes in his ears. I took him to the doctor for his ear infection and they put him on antibiotics and had him on ear drops. As Bobby was recovering from the stomach bug, he and Dalton were the last to get it, Ryder came down with it again. I thought obviously it was a virus and he would be fine in a day or so because he was already on antibiotics and the virus would have to run its course. Well, after he threw up three times, he was taking a nap that he never woke up from. We didn’t understand why he passed away. At first, I thought he aspirated and choked, but we were right there and I didn’t see anything in his mouth. When he was in the hospital, they said that they didn’t see any sign of aspiration. We were in the dark for so many months waiting on the autopsy. While we were at a hotel during the waiting time, we met a young boy at the pool who showed us his new scar from his surgery. His mother explained that he had a heart defect that was never detected by his doctor and suddenly he ended up having open heart surgery at 6. Bobby and I thought to ourselves that maybe that was what happened to Ryder. We just wanted to know why. We were all over the board with our theories while we waited.

So after watching this 20/20 episode, about 5 months in, I had this overwhelming fear come over me. Were they going to say that I didn’t take him to the doctor fast enough? Even though he had just been, and he was on medication, did I not act fast enough. Was I going to go to prison for not acting fast enough?  At the time, the fear was so strong along with still dealing with the grief. When I look back now, I can’t believe that I actually let that thought take over my life. The thought was straight from the pit of hell but it was so real to me especially after seeing what happened to that mother. I had never had anxiety in my life and I thought that people that dealt with that were exaggerating  and they should be able to just let it go. You never know until you go through it yourself what it is like. The anxiety, which is fear, just consumed my life. I started having panic attacks, couldn’t sleep, was scared to drive my car. The thoughts would go through my head that I was just going to drive my car over the bridge because I wouldn’t be able to control the wheel. Dread of having no control over my body was a reality just like the air we breathe. Crazy thoughts were taking me over. I went to my doctor and she put me on Xanax for anxiety. I was a mess. I couldn’t function normally without it. I look back now and see that the medicine saved my life at the time. It was a form of PTSD that I was dealing with. The call came from the detective about a month later and he said that the autopsy was undetermined. They had no idea what happened to him and the case was closed. You would think that phone call would end my fear, but no, It had already become so much a part of my soul, regardless of the outcome, it was not going anywhere.

After a couple more months, I went to a church service and the pastor stopped in the middle of his sermon and said that he had a dream and he felt he needed to share it right then. He dreamed that he saw a large crowd of Christians running a race. He saw gold shackles around their legs and he asked God what they were. The shackles in his dream were migraines and anxiety/panic attacks. I was so overwhelmed. He called anyone that was dealing with that to come up front for prayer. I ran up there. It had totally taken over my life and I wanted it gone. That day, it was gone. I was taken up to three xanax a day just to function. It was gone. I was ecstatic! I had my peace back.  So, just like all trials and pain that we go through, I learned valuable lessons. One of those were that anxiety/ fear is real and people are hurting when they are dealing with this. I have so much more compassion and empathy for people . Another was that medicine can help until you make it to the other side. I would have been a basket case and considered mentally unstable without it. It helped me when the lies and fear would come into my mind that were trying to paralyze me and keep me from living a normal life. So for those of you that need the meds and your doctor prescribes them for a time, don’t beat yourself up over it.  Today, I find myself in a totally different trial now that is bringing back anxiety.  Life will never stop throwing you problems. Fear and anxiety will always be knocking on your door. We just have to remember back to what God has already brought us through and know that he has your answer right around the corner.  We just can’t see it yet!  I’ll leave you with what a friend of mine reminded me the other day, that it takes just as much energy to worry as it does to have faith…pick one.  Give it to Him and know that the plan has yet to be revealed and He’s got your back.

Today. Coming up on three years since we lost our blue eyes, I find myself in a place once again. A place of uncertainty, a place of waiting, a place that I would rather not be. It has been 5 months since I have been able to work because of an injury that took me by surprise. I am struggling with where my life is. The loss of control. My independence being stripped away and my total dependence on God for my tangible needs and my future. I was praying this morning and asking what I should be doing during this time of waiting and I heard so clearly, I want you to get back to your blog. I need this story to get out to the people that are struggling with the difficulties in their life. They need to see your experience and how I have always been there during your trials. How I am here now, and how I am here for them. Just as the stories in the Bible help people to see what I did for the people back then. They need to hear the current stories and experiences in the now. They need a fresh perspective of hope. These trials are not all about you, they are also about them. The love that I have for them and how badly I want to be there for them as well. Your struggles are not uncommon. Everyone struggles and they need to see how I have comforted you so they can have hope in Me. They can turn to me and let me comfort them.  I am their hope.  The motivation that keeps people sane during everyday trials, as well as life changing events, is hope. I am Hope. I am the answer!

So today, here i sit with my coffee and my worship music on You Tube and I start to feel hope again.  I say to myself, if I can trust God to hold me and comfort me when we lost our baby boy, how can I not trust him now. These trials will never stop coming. We live in a fallen world, we will all experience pain and loss at times in our lives. We all have that in common. Until we get to Heaven, we will have to fight this fight. If I can stand here still sane and have a beautiful functioning relationship with my God, He wants you to know that you can to. How can I let my current situation get me down, how can I get anxious, its a human response. I have to remind myself that I made it through victorious, through the hardest thing that I have ever experienced.  I still have joy in my heart to this day, regardless of that horrific day and its not going to stop now. I have to continue to put my heart and mind in his hands. Be calm my soul and breathe. I find Him in the waiting, in the trials, in the unexpected. I have found out this is when I can feel him the closest and hear the clearest.  If I just continue to listen and believe, He will show up as He always does. Keep your head up friends, this to shall pass. Find him in the waiting!

The morning after the worst day of our life, was a knock at the door. My parents were there on a Sunday morning. First thing I asked was, “are you not going to church?” My step father said to me “this is our church today”. I was still processing everything and was still in shock and couldn’t believe this was happening. I walked into the living room and ran across a pack of diapers on the floor. I immediately freaked out and asked for all of his things to be taken upstairs to his room. I went back to my room and waited for my family to move it all out of sight. I know that people deal with things differently, but for me, I could not see his things and stand upright. I had to be strong, I felt, and to see anything of his just put a dagger into my heart. It just reminded me that he should be there and he wasn’t. I should have been changing his diapers and feeding him breakfast, but I wasn’t. It should have been a normal Sunday morning, getting him ready for church and heading out of the door, but it wasn’t. The reality of it all was slapping me in the face and I couldn’t handle it. I wouldn’t be able to be normal. I would be acting like a person with no control and that couldn’t happen, I had to be the strong one. I couldn’t handle that kind of pain and I was trying to protect my heart from the darts of reality. So many people began to come by that day and bring food and comfort the best that they knew how. I wanted people there at the time,  so I would have to keep my composure and stay out of the bed. I needed them to help me stay strong. If we would have been alone, I don’t think I could have functioned in any capacity as a “normal” person.

During that week, after the funeral, I received books in the mail from one of my dear friends from Tennessee. I know she was hearing from God because those books saved my sanity. They were books on Heaven by Katt Kerr. They were all about what Heaven is like and what the children are doing there. Some people that heard me talk about these books, thought her accounts were far fetched, because it was a personal account of her experiencing Heaven and writing about it in great detail.  I didn’t think it was crazy and I welcomed every ounce of detail that I could get about my Ryder bug’s new home. It was the most comforting tangible piece of Heaven that I could hope for. I knew that Ryder was happy. I knew that he wasn’t scared and he wasn’t feeling any pain. He was there and it is such a wonderful place. It was a far cry from the place I was in, and I wanted to be there with him. I highly recommend these books to anyone who has lost a loved one. I understood the fact that some people would be skeptical of her writings, but my perspective was why not believe? I know heaven is real. She painted a beautiful picture and what harm would it be to believe her? It only brought joy to me and comfort. We can’t even begin to fathom what Heaven is like. Her account was so detailed and it was what I needed to get me through the grief I was experiencing. I was so thankful for my friend for sending me the books and the impact her gifts had on my life at the time.

I had to return to work the next week. Not that I had to because of my boss, but I had to for my sanity. They were so shocked that I came back so soon. I had never experienced this kind of pain in my life. I had no guidebook on how I was suppose to act or grieve. I just did what I thought would ease this pain. I felt if I stayed home, I would fall into such a depression, that I might not return. My husband wanted to stay home, but I encouraged him to get up and go back to work. Normalcy was going to have to be our way through this grief. My office sent postcards out to all of my patients to explain what had happened, so that I could have an easier transition back to my new norm. My patients are like family. We would always talk about our families and I just couldn’t handle them asking about Ryder while I was trying to drag my way through work. I would have to give them the news and I knew I would break down. I didn’t want anyone feeling uncomfortable. I had so many cards and phone calls come in with comforting words from them. Some of my patients came in with hugs and tears and I was trying to comfort THEM. A few times I had to walk away, but if the subject came up, I would immediately respond with the peace and comfort that I found in Jesus. They were so shocked that I could be so strong, but like I said before, I wasn’t, it was all God. The peace was so supernatural that all I could say to people was it was God. I was, at the time, trying to keep myself together but I heard later,  so many people told me how I helped them with what they were going through, just seeing how I was handling this tragedy. I hope that from my pain of even writing this blog, that others who need this peace will be able to find Him through hearing of my experience. If anything good could come out of what I experienced, it would be for people to have a relationship with Him, even if they have to find Him through their own struggles. This is where he shows up in the most real way, in our pain. There were so many things that I did in my grief, and I’m not sure if they were right or wrong in others eyes. In reality I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to grieve. It’s a personal journey. Unique to each individual. I eventually gave away all of Ryder’s things to a friend that had a child about the same age. To me personally, I kept a few key things of his and I painted my house with his pictures. As hard as it was seeing the pictures, seeing his things on a regular basis hurt the most and would not allow me to go forward. We also went on a vacation, a cruise, the next month that we already had planned before it happened. It couldn’t have came at a better time.  I needed to get away to try to escape the grief. I wanted to get away from anyone that we knew, away from the calls and posts. I needed to not have to talk about it. I needed time away from reality and time to process my emotions. Anyone grieving should feel free to grieve in his/her own way. Its OK to grieve in whatever way that helps you make it through. No one knows what you are going through until they go through it themselves. There are books that I found later about the stages of grieving but it didn’t really tell you what to do. So I, as a grieving mother, to anyone else that is walking through this loss, want to extend the freedom to you to follow your own path to healing. Follow your own heart. You have just went through a great loss and you are the only who can determine what makes you feel better. For me, it was turning to my faith in God. He always shows up. Thanks for continuing to follow and share our journey through losing our blue eyes…..

    The next step was to wake up the next morning and try to figure out how to do life from this moment on. During the night I would wake up expecting to hear his cry to come and get him out of his bed. He did this almost every night. That cry never came. I didn’t sleep much that night even though I was completely exhausted emotionally, physically, and spiritually. In the early morning, we both laid in bed and were on our phones checking our face book pages. There were so many people sending their heart felt condolences and at that moment, I was so thankful for face book because it helped so much. We didn’t feel alone in our heartache. There is something so comforting to know that others care about your circumstances. So many people really don’t know what to say in those situations and are scared to call you. They want you to know that they are with you and they are sorry for what you are going through, and that’s where social media allowed them to express that, with one little comment. Honestly, we didn’t know what to say to each other.  I was trying to be strong for Ryder’s Dad and my boys yet trying to figure out how to pull my soul together. My heart was wondering where God had been and the voices in my head were taunting me, “Where is your God now?” My faith had been put on trial. I was wondering what I did wrong, I was questioning how this could have happened after God had brought us this far. He had given us this miracle as a staple and as glue to our family. Now he took him away. Even as all these thoughts were going through my mind, I was quickly reminded of Matthew 5:45 “for He makes His sun rise on those who are evil and on those who are good, and makes the rain fall on the righteous [those who are morally upright] and the unrighteous [the unrepentant, those who oppose Him].”  This life is full of blessings, but along the way, there are times we get wounded just the same. WE ALL GO THROUGH BOTH regardless of our actions. We ALL will get slapped in the face with the pain this world has to offer. Even though I was going through the worst pain that I had ever experienced, somewhere deep inside, I knew God was there.  For the next few days,  as I had to get up, pull myself together, make some immediate decisions and take care of my family, God would give me such a peace that I could not explain it to people. I’ve heard these words all of my life. “He is my strength, He is my peace.” I’ve sang them in songs and I’ve used them to help people that were hurting, and I had even experienced them myself in so many times in my life. BUT this time, this time was different from anything that I had ever heard, spoke, or experienced. It was as if God himself had left heaven, came down,and covered me with a blanket of peace. People kept saying to me, you are so strong. I really wasn’t. The only strength that i could muster up was the ability to STILL call on Him. That’s all I did. He took over from there. I couldn’t tell others the peace that I had, nor did I know how to tell them,because it was so opposite from what I should be feeling right now. Phillipians 4:7 “and the peace of God, that surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” This scripture became so alive to me. I should have been in the bed, falling apart, distancing myself from everyone, not able to function, feeling as if I want to die myself. In my life when I would hear of tragedy that had fallen on others, I wondered how i would react or feel if something like that ever happened to me. I didn’t even want to think about it and would put it quickly out of my mind. This time, it was reality, it was me. I was living it myself. I can only tell you that the comfort I felt as I was going through this was supernatural. Totally against any human understanding. God showed up.                                                               At the funeral, it was such a blur now, and I don’t remember much about it. Many people came to give their respects, and I was so touched at the love from my friends and family. One of the women from our church came up to me. She told me that she kept Ryder in her class that last Sunday. He was the only baby so she decided to take him to the older class and put them together. In the class, Ryder found a picture of Jesus. She said that he picked up the picture and he carried it around. He kept kissing the picture. He had never done that before, we had never shown him a picture of Jesus like that. I felt like he knew who Jesus was in that picture and he loved him. He felt so comfortable with him, that he was kissing him just like he would kiss one of us. It was as if Jesus was preparing him to come home the week before he passed. I really needed to hear that. I felt like God was just giving me little nuggets to reassure where Ryder was and adding to my peace. My step father spoke at the funeral. Ryder was known for the way he would say goodbye anytime he left a place, or if someone left him, he would say loudly, BYEEEEE!!!!! He would do it over and over. He loved it. He would put up his hand and bend his little fingers up and down as he screamed BYEEEE!!! He would do it all the way out of daycare, over and over. He would do it as his brother would leave our house after visiting. He would stand at the door and watch him as he walked to his car and he would say BYEEEEE!!! until he pulled off. He would say it as we left from visiting my parents, all the way down the road. He did it all the time and it was very pronounced. As my step father concluded, he lifted his hand and bent his fingers up and down as he said one last goodbye from Ryder to everyone, BYEEEE!!  The next week, one of our members stood up in church and wanted to share with us what her neighbor told her. She had asked her neighbor to pray for our family. She told her neighbor that we had lost our baby. The neighbor came back to her a day or so later and said that she had dreamed of our baby. She said I don’t know if  the baby was a boy or a girl but the baby had blond curly hair and was sitting on the ground. An angel came up behind him. He put his little hand in the air and bent his fingers up and down and said BYEEEEE as the angel swept him up and took him to Heaven. I was so touched by this dream and I knew it was just another gift of comfort that God was giving me. A couple of weeks after the funeral, i pulled out the book from the funeral and every line was signed by the visitors who had showed up except the very last line. I already knew who that last line belonged to. It belonged to the One who was there, who had been there, who was with me through this whole thing. God showed up!

After they pronounced the time of death, we were ushered out of the room, we had to leave our baby and the shock was so overwhelming. The police officer led us back to the room and wouldn’t let us see our family. We were just sitting there in shock and not talking much. Of course the phone was ringing off the hook. I knew that our friends and family were in the waiting room and they wanted to know what was going on. Our eldest son, made his way into the room where we were. He walked in and looked at us with a stare of shock and worry. We just looked at him with tears rolling down our face and shook our heads no, immediately he just started crying and ran out the room. For some reason, we were not allowed to leave the room and go out to our family and friends. Obviously we didn’t know what we were doing and we couldn’t even grasp what had just happened. The detectives came in and said that we had to go straight to the police station to give our statements. He said that we could stop and see our family for a second, but we had to meet him right away downtown. Our souls were in so much confusion and I was wondering why this was so important that we had to leave immediately. Now I understand that police have a job to do but this just didn’t seem right. We just lost our baby and now were being led out. They had already questioned us about the scar on his forehead, and if he had been taken to the doctor. He was already on antibiotics for his ear infection and obviously what we all had was a twenty four hour virus because he had already had it at the beginning of the week and this was now Saturday. What else did they need to know? Why couldn’t that be our statement? We were so confused. We walked by and briefly stopped to see everyone in the waiting area. Some of our friends and family have abruptly left a birthday party and were still in their Minnie Mouse costumes. My Dad have driven from Charleston in crazy time and was standing there with tears flowing, I can’t say that I had ever seen him crying like that. My Mom was there and the children’s pastors from our church. Many people were there but we had to tell them that we had to leave right then. I was just so lost. Some of our family and friends walked us out as we were going to the parking lot. We got in our truck and headed down to the police station. It was the weekend so it was closed. As we pulled up, there was one light on in the hallway and we walked inside. It was so quiet. They took me back first for questioning and asked the standard questions. He was just going over a sheet of paper that had questions on it. On top of what was going on, I was still a little nauseous from being sick. Basically the questions were about what happened that day and they had to write it all down. I just kept saying, this can’t be real. This is really not happening. This is just not real. My Mom and Step Dad were there with us and she started getting angry at what they were doing to us. She demanded that they take Bobby right back and get this over with. Thank God, she was in her right mind, because we weren’t. We just did what we were told and didn’t have the strength to think that this was crazy, much less do anything about it. She said, listen they have just lost their baby and how can you put them through this. The other officer went ahead and took Bobby back in a separate room for questioning. I think we were there for two hours at least. It was finally over. On the way out, they said we will meet you at your house. What??? Why do you have to come to our house? Its just standard procedure, they kept assuring us.

When we arrived at the house, my family was sitting outside in their cars and there was a police officer in front of our house, keeping people from going inside. We just couldn’t believe this was happening. Like it was a crime scene. Still, I didn’t really think anything about it, except what they kept telling me. They kept apologizing for the questioning and saying that this was standard procedure. If they couldn’t determine why a child died, then they had to go through all the investigating procedures. I was so tired,  I went in and laid on the couch. The police officer allowed my family to come inside but they were to be contained in the living room. Two investigators went into to our bedroom and were going through all of our drawers, taking pictures, samples, I don’t know, whatever they do. They then called me into the bedroom. They had a fake baby, and they made me go over exactly what happened as they video taped what I was doing. I just couldn’t believe what was happening. I understand this is their job, but couldn’t they just give us a moment to let this all sink in. I guess they couldn’t. When they were finished with me, they took a few things as evidence out of our room. They said that they would be in touch with us soon and left. My Dad was so happy to see them leave and so were we. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to go to bed. I just wanted to be left alone. My heart hurt and my soul was scattered and most of all, I was in shock of the one Person that had never let me down. How could this have happened God? After all these years of telling people about your faithfulness, and your ability to be there in times of trouble. Why didn’t you show up? Why couldn’t you fix this? Why did his heart stop beating as you sat by and watched us screaming out to you to save him? My faith in my God was shook to the core on that horrible day and I wasn’t quite sure who He really was anymore.

Our whole family was dealing with an illness that lasted for the week. It was running its course through each of us for 24 hours each at different intervals. There was no fever, just a constant vomiting until we were left weak and bed ridden. It started with Ryder first and then made its way through each of us consecutively. He was already on antibiotics for an ear infection so I blamed it on a pesky virus that he must have picked up being around other children at daycare. I was still weak and Ryder’s Dad was on his last day of it. We were all laying around resting, trying to get better through the weekend. Ryder had been up playing with our 9 year old and I had just fed him breakfast. The next thing I knew, he was vomiting in his pack and play. I quickly jumped up and put him in the bathtub to clean him up. I laid him down with his Dad as I cleaned up the pack and play. As soon as I finished cleaning up, he vomited again in the bed. I put him back in the bath. I had his Dad get up and pull off the sheets and throw them in the wash. He had it again. The stomach virus had made its way back around to Ryder again. The poor thing. It would be another 24 hours of vomiting and I could just do my best to keep him hydrated. No other symptoms. No fever, headaches, or any pain. Just vomiting. We all had our turns so I knew it would pass as quickly as it came. My 9 year old felt better and wanted to go play with his friend across the street. He left and I finished up with Ryder’s bath. I didn’t have the energy to put sheets back on the bed so I just laid him down with his Dad on the bare mattress. I decided to stay up and lay beside him because I knew that the vomiting wasn’t over yet. I could catch him and take him to the bath quickly. I decided to watch a movie on Netflix as they slept beside me. Now that I looked back, the movie was the most odd thing. I chose the movie because I recognized the main character and usually that meant that it would be a pretty safe pick and that it might be worth watching. The movie had just began and the mother in the movie had recently lost her baby. She was torn between keeping the baby’s things or selling them. I just remember thinking to myself and I wondered what I would do if I was in that position. I thought that was something that i wouldn’t even want to have to decide, what a horrible decision. I’m glad this was just a movie so I could put that out of my mind.

As I was putting the thought out of mind, suddenly Ryder coughed. I thought to myself here we go. He is going to throw up again and I had to run him to the bath tub so that it would not get all over the mattress and carpet. I was ready. He was a heavy baby so I had to scoot him over to the side of the bed where I could pick him up. As I reached out and pulled him closer to the edge of the bed, he was limp. I looked at his face and his eyes rolled back in his head. I started screaming for my husband to wake up. I was shaking and screaming that something was wrong with Ryder. What is this, did he choke on vomit, was it blocking his airway? I couldn’t tell. My husband woke up startled from my screaming and panic. He jumped up and looked at him, pulled him to his side of the bed and picked him up. He was just as panicked as I was, he couldn’t think. He just kept saying Ryder get up! Ryder wake up. He grabbed him and ran outside in the yard. He was running around the front yard trying to wake him up. He came back inside and I immediately called 911. It was like a movie. Was this really happening? He had a shallow breath or two and then he began to turn blue. My husband laid him on the bed. 911 hung up after they said the ambulance was on its way. I thought what? I thought they stayed on the phone until the ambulance got there. Well, certainly he will be fine once the ambulance arrives. They could make him wake up. I called my friend, that was a nurse and she was panicking of course, but told us what to do. She told my husband to lay him on the floor and check his heartbeat and breathing. She stayed on the phone with us as he performed CPR. He was crying, I was crying. I hung up with her when it wasn’t working, and I called 911 again. She informed me that the ambulance was almost there and once again, hung up. We saw two ambulances pull up at the same time because we had left the front door open. My husband was still working on him, but i told him to take Ryder out to the ambulance. I was shaking, but relieved that the ambulance was there and he would be fine. As we carried him out, they opened the doors of the ambulance and the EMT said step away this is a full arrest. Those words hit my heart like a rock. I knew what that meant and I knew CPR but when it’s happening to you, you forget everything you have learned. They closed the doors and my husband and I just stared into the side window of the ambulance. We didn’t know what to do. We were in complete shock and all I knew to do was pray and call my Mom. She answered and I was crying so bad that she couldn’t understand me. She kept saying, what? what? I was screaming that Ryder was in the ambulance and he was in full arrest. She finally made out what I was saying and she started freaking out, I don’t remember what else was said but we hung up and the ambulance driver said that they were going to the hospital. They told us to come to the hospital but that we couldn’t follow the ambulance. We were both still in our pajamas and we ran back in the house to get the keys to follow them. The officer met me at the door and asked me for my license. I was so panicked that I didn’t even know what I had come back in for. I couldn’t find my purse and I had to put something over my pajamas so I could leave. I just told him that I didn’t have them and he knew where I lived. I ran out after my husband and we jumped in the truck and began to follow the ambulance. I thought sure we would die on the way. He was driving like a maniac and we were both crying so hard that we couldn’t see. It was the longest ride to Savannah that I have ever had. Even to this day, if I get behind an ambulance on that route in traffic, I start crying. I called everyone that I could think of and I reached out for prayer on face book. I knew that the only thing that was going to save my baby was prayer. We reached the hospital and ran into the ER. They quickly escorted us to a room in the back. The police, coroner, and the chaplain came in to ask us all kinds of questions. What was that bruise on his head? You mean the scar that has been there for a couple of months? He ran into the garage door when he was helping his daddy a couple of months ago. Was he on any medication? Yes, he had an ear infection. Please just let me see my baby. Is he ok? They wouldn’t let anyone else in the room with us. Finally, they took us to the back and on the way, I saw my Mom and Stepfather. I grabbed them to come with us. We walked in and they had him on a table with several nurses around him. They were doing full blown adult CPR. Taking turns. I just stood beside his head and was crying and asking him to please wake up. My mom was praying and crying telling him to get up. I was in total shock. I saw a tube that was coming out of his mouth and I saw blood come out, and I asked the doctor why he was bleeding? I didn’t want my baby to bleed or have any pain. Ryder please get up!! Please get up!!! The doctor said he had been receiving CPR for over an hour without a heartbeat. He said this isn’t fair to him. He is just not here and if he was, he would be a vegetable for the rest of his life. I was crying, please Ryder get up! I love you Ryder, please get up! The doctor said that he would try more epinephrine one more time. He was upset as well and kept shaking his head. Finally, he made the call, to stop. We were all in shock. We were all begging God to save him. I felt like my life stopped at that moment in time along with the pronouncement of time of death. I didn’t know how to think, I didn’t know how to live, how to pray, how to talk to anyone, how to take my next step.

A couple of months after our exclusive       beach wedding, (originally we wanted to elope, but my Mom wouldn’t have it) we decided that we wanted to fuse our blended family together with a new addition. A sibling to them all, and finally the feeling like we were able to relive our past. A chance to do it all again and do it the right way.  A new baby, that would prove to bring us all together. We made the decision and within the month, I took my pregnancy test, as Ryder’s Dad laid quietly on the bed, waiting to hear the results.  I giggled out loud as I saw the plus sign pop up immediately. He asked puzzled yet inquisitive, “why are you laughing?” I brought him the test, and said “we are pregnant”!! We were just in awe. We laid on the bed together and just basked in the news and the reality of it all. It was happening. It was really happening. From what had already happened in our lives, we should have not been shocked that it happened so quickly. It was like it had all been a dream thus far. Was it going to be a girl? Was it going to be a boy? Of course it would be a girl, because we already had three boys, we just knew this for sure. We continued to lay there and exchange plans and dreams for our little one. I was so excited and wanted everyone to know, I could hardly contain it. Our oldest son came into the living room the next morning and I told him that we were pregnant. He was in shock, but so excited.  I called my family and last but not least, I posted the test with the cute little plus sign on face book. Now it was out, and we were still in shock at the mere fact of how fast it happened. I was so thankful to God for the blessing, and the joy that he was bringing into an already blissful reunion.                                                                                     We had already picked out a name for our little girl, or at least I had,  Isabella Grace. I couldn’t wait to pick out all the cute little dresses, and all the pink pink pink with sparkles of course. The day came, and we went to the ultrasound. The excitement of seeing our little girl was just overwhelming.  As the sonogram was moving  smoothly back and forth over my rounded belly, we heard, its a boy! Can you say that again? A boy? How could we name a boy Isabella? Redo, redo!That was the name I was set on. Wow. A boy! OK. We had three boys already, so I thought a little estrogen would be nice and I would have a little side kick. It was going to be a boy….it took us by surprise, and I might have been in a little shock. We had this all planned out, why somehow we thought we could control these things now was beyond me. We left the office and went for a walk downtown. We just walked around holding hands in deep thought and in the surreal reality that our princess was going to be a prince. We quickly smiled at each other and began proposing boy names. All of our boys ironically had names that started with the letter D, so we would have to change this up. A new adventure was about to ensue with snips and snails and puppy dog tails instead of sugar and spice and everything nice. I simply prayed that if he was going to bless us with a cute little boy, if he could just pleaseeee have blue eyes. I know it sounds funny, but that could be a special little answer to prayer between God and I. That would be tricky, because we both had brown eyes and dark hair. My husband, jokingly of course, said a paternity test would be performed if he had blue eyes and blond hair lol. I knew that nothing was impossible for my God.                                                Ryder Dale Cannon was born on June 7th 2012, his Dad’s 40th birthday. Surprise, surprise!Happy birthday to Ryder’s Dad. This was his big party in the hospital, up all night with a newborn,and we wouldn’t have it any other way. He was such a blessing, and holding that munchkin for the first time just took my breath away.  Here he was, the promise, the gift, and he had blue eyes. Ha! God is so good. A month or so after he was born, I decided that I didn’t like his name. Funny right? So, we went to the health department, and I changed his name to Nicolas Ryder Cannon. The people there were a little confused, because I was changing his first name. They were use to people changing the last name of newborns, but the new name just flowed better you know? So here we were with our 1 month old, and his new name Nicolas Ryder. I loved it! THIS was who he was.  We still called him Ryder, just now it was his middle name. Of course time went on as it always does and he began to grow up so fast. He was such a big boy with bright beautiful BLUE eyes and curly blond hair. Oh, what a joy this was to our family. What a blessing the Lord had given to us. After all that we had been through to get back together, this was the gift bestowed upon us. Finally we would have our baby. We loved him like a treasured gift, and he was the light of his Daddy’s eyes and his Mommy’s heart. The boys were so in love with their little brother. They each had their own special bond with the new little Cannon. This boy was a brute, and he was tough as nails. He was so inquisitive, and he wanted to know what everything was, “that, that”. His first words. He started calling me “Ma” like a little Italian boy. He would call to his Dad “Bobby” when he wanted to get in the bed with us. It was so cute. We just couldn’t get over what God had done in our life and how he was taking care of our family all along the way. Ryder’s Dad was laid off when I was four months pregnant, but thankfully the insurance covered us with Cobra for the remainder of the next year. That was a blessing in itself. He stayed home with Ryder for a short time after he was born, and then was offered a new job. We were being taken care of time after time, and God was in all the little details. Our blended little family was just moving right along with life, but then the unthinkable.  The absolute unthinkable! Our little Ryder was given to us on loan from God for 21 masterfully orchestrated  months. He brought our family together in those few short months like nothing else could. A blended family is so hard sometimes. With our little angel, the family became fastened together, more than a marriage contract or any amount of love could do. He was a mix of us all and he gave us all a common bond. His beautiful contract was up now, and it was time for him to go home. It was the hardest day of my life, and a day that I wish I could forget.  I can’t stop crying now.  As I’m writing this, the thoughts are coming back to me, the flashbacks, the horror, the thought that God didn’t show up. He let me down. He let me down! I was screaming out to God with everything in me, all of my experience with answered prayer,  and the closeness I had with Him was my anchor. At that moment, my emotions and pain took over and I couldn’t believe God wasn’t performing a miracle with my baby boy. Where were you?! Where were you?! Please help me to understand what was happening. I needed Him more than ever now.

A year or so later, I received a phone call from one of my friends. It was early in the morning, and I was getting ready for work. She said turn on the television.  As I watched the newscast, I was in shock. From what they were saying, it was apparent that Ryder’s Dad would soon become a single father. Now, everything that I had heard about his life, and what he was going through,  was all so real, and for everyone to know.  My heart just sank, and I felt so sorry for him. What was he going through with all of this? What were his children going through?  If only we would have chosen another path, they would have never had to go through the embarrassment of this news. I felt the pain that he was going through, and  I wanted to reach out to him, but I didn’t. I heard a still small voice in my heart that said, “it’s just a matter of time now, just wait”   What? Was that God speaking to me? Surely this could not happen, it had been too long. We were just a couple of kids in love years ago. That would be like a movie.  I started thinking back on all the dreams that we shared, and a love that was so real and innocent. That couldn’t happen to me. Or could it really happen? So, I started thinking about it more. I thought about what my life would be like. Could I actually have that real love again, the real love that I experienced when I was so young. Ryder’s Dad was always in the back of my mind, but it had already been decided years ago. Who would have known that his marriage would have ended up like this, and I would be where I was. I was still in my relationship with my son’s father, but I could not get out of it fast enough. It was horrible. How did we both end up like this? Maybe it was meant to be this way, If either of us would have been in a stable relationship, what was about to happen, would not have happened.

As fate would have it, one day I was outside with the neighbors, and I saw a Hummer ride by my house, and it came back around through my alley.  I lived in a neighborhood  that was off the beaten path so he would have to be there on purpose. Looking for something or someone? My heart started beating out of my chest. I knew what kind of vehicle he drove because I had seen it on face book, but I didn’t know, he knew where I lived. He saw me a couple of years earlier when he was on the motorcycle. I was 34 now, and it had been a few years since we had gone into details about our lives to each other. Is this it? Was he looking for me? I immediately excused myself and ran into the house. I didn’t even give it a second thought, I just picked up my phone and called him. I still had his number in my phone from his face book page a little over a year earlier. I was so nervous, but this was it, and I knew he needed me. He answered, and I asked him if he had just drove by my house. I think he was in shock, because he didn’t know that I saw him ride by.  I wanted to know how he was, and to make sure he was okay. I knew what was going on in his life, and I knew these decisions were out of his control. I knew he was lost, and this time, the decision to make a move was made for him. Our whole world was about to change.                                                                     We talked for a while and decided to talk again the next day. I had not spoke with him in so many years on that level. I was in a little shock myself. What about all the thoughts that I had not to long ago? Was this really going to happen? I needed to pinch myself. I was elated. I was on cloud nine and then some. This couldn’t really be happening. Those were all just thoughts and dreams that I had, not reality. Now how was this all going to work out? Ryder’s Dad was talking and going out with a couple of people at the time, and trying to find his new normal. He was working all the time and doing everything he could to pay the bills and raise his boys.  We decided to meet and talk after work. We decided to meet on his birthday just two days after we had talked on the phone for the first time. We knew when we met this time, that it was going to be different.  We finally could spend time together without having the pressure to make a decision quickly. This was a whole new world for us and it was like a dream. We both had been down terrible roads without each other, and now there was nothing standing in our way. I immediately spoke to my ex husband, who I was still allowing to use me, still dealing with his abuse, and told him that it was over. I finally found the courage to get him out of my life, and the hope to help keep him out. I was so happy to have Ryder’s Dad back in my life. He was like an angel sent from God, to deliver me from the mess I had made of my life, and he felt the same way. We needed each other. It’s like time stood still and our hearts had never moved on.  Finally, we were where we wanted to be our whole lives. We still today look at each other and say, is this real?  I met him after work and both of us had butterflies. It had been so long since the last time we met like this. Alone, and so much had changed in our lives. It was a short meeting because we both had responsibilities to take care of, but we both knew we were about to embark on something special. A dream come true. We decided to meet again the next day and everyday from there on out. During this time, we just talked and talked about all the years we had missed and all the things that we wanted to say to each other. We were getting to know each other all over again. It was euphoric and we couldn’t wait until the next time. In the days to come, we endured so much drama from both sides, as we set out to tie up all the loose ends of our messy past, but we wouldn’t let it stop us this time.  There were a few bumps in the road while we were sorting all of this out. I can write a whole book on the craziness that we went through. This was our time to make it work, and we were handed this chance on a silver platter. We had tried for years to work out our relationships for the sake of family and for our children that we loved so much. The damage that happened to our children because we stayed, we would have to live with. We had a chance now to make things right for them. Give them stability, show them what true love means and be an example to them. Let them see that normalcy was peace in a home, not the constant turmoil that they had been living in. We had to do what was best for us and our children, and now, that would be us together. We could have what we wanted for our families, and we could help each other raise our boys.We knew that we wanted to get married, and we wanted to make sure that we never lost each other again. Our families and friends were so shocked when we got back together and they were so happy for us. I know my family worried daily for me in the relationship that I had found myself in. They worried for my son. They worried for our future and safety. My Mom prayed everyday that God would send me someone that would take care of us and be a good husband.  I know that Ryder’s Dad had problems in his family because of his marriage. They tell me all the time how happy they are that we got back together, how they had lost touch with him for so long. Finally, they could see us happy again!!!                                            As I was writing our story, I came to the last part, and it ended up being number 7. The number 7 is God’s number for completion. I thought it was ironic as I started writing the completion of our love story. Just the fact that we went through all of that, and  got back together after 20 years was a miracle in itself. It was a reminder of how God has this whole thing called life, already figured out for each of us. He already knows the end of our stories and has great plans for all of our lives. As we live, we are writing our stories, the good, the bad, and the ugly. You know I hate when the love story comes to an end, and we are left hanging. I want to know what happens in their lives. I want to see how happy they are in their new lives together. Does the strength of their love endure? What happens after the romance and real life ensues. Well, the people that know us, know that the story continues and the tragedy that followed. I will share that in more blogs to come, and how we are still happily married after 5 years. Our love and our tragedy, and how we made it through with the help of an awesome God.

The encounters finally stopped when I moved to Pensacola, FL. I decided to go to Bible college when I was 22, and totally change my surroundings. For two years, I traveled for mission trips to many different countries, strengthened my relationship with Jesus, and made strides with healing my wounded heart. I had to find a purpose for my life. It was a great time to get to know some new people and I made friends from all over the world.  A new chapter and surely, I would meet someone to start a life with. I thought of Ryder’s Dad all the time, and I always wondered how he was, but I had to put the thoughts and feelings in the back of my mind, or my heart would never let me move on. By this time, I had really mastered letting go, but Ryder’s Dad was always an open ended discussion with God. Why did things turn out like this?  I just learned to go on with life and make the most of it. I graduated from Bible college, in which I didn’t find the new love that I thought I would, and felt a strong pull to move back to Savannah.  I always wondered why God didn’t allow me to find a relationship in Bible college? I  began helping in my church with the singles ministry and started a new job in Dental Hygiene. I met my soon to be husband in the singles group and I thought this was it. The love that I had been searching for. Well, it was far from it. He ended up fighting addictions that supposedly he was free from when he became a Christian. From the beginning he was like a cancer in my life. My relationship with the Lord suffered and I started to become someone that I didn’t want to be. He was infecting me and all the peace and joy that I once had was slowly diminishing. He was so convincing and every time he would fall off the wagon, he would plead with me that this was just a stumble. He would explain that he wanted to live the Christian life,  but he would fall into temptation and how could I judge him for that? We all sin and stumble and because I was a Christian, I should forgive him. We had a baby and we were married for 9 months. Even though we divorced, we ended up staying together off and on because I was trying to not allow my son to grow up in a broken home. He would try to get me to marry him again, but I never had any peace about that. Somehow in my hopeful emotional state, I thought that I could change him, and he would be the father to my son,  the husband that I needed. It was a turbulent relationship that no one approved of. My family and friends constantly told me to leave him, but he possessed a tool to control me and that was my son. Now that I have a little more wisdom,  I know that God hates divorce, but staying together is not always the best thing to do, especially when you never should have been with that person to begin with. Just because a child is involved, staying with the person with abuse involved is not the right answer. Whether the abuse be verbal or physical or just the mere fact of abandonment by the person going to jail over and over, in which I was experiencing all three. How did I get here? How did my life turn out like this? He lied, cheated, and stole from me. I was used the entire time for his benefit. I had never darkened the doors of a jail cell yet I found myself in a relationship with someone who couldn’t stay out of trouble. I was once so outgoing, but the embarrassment of my life, kept me secluded. Who was I anymore? I wanted to be back to my self and back on track for what plans God had in store for me. My motto was “God can make plan B better than plan A was ever going to be” Even when we make mistakes, He can put all the pieces back together, and I would soon find out what that plan was. If my marriage would have been great, or at best normal, I would have never been available for plan B, or if I would have met a husband in Bible college, the rest of our story would have never happened. As I look back, God was always in control.

When I went through my divorce, my friends asked me to go out to celebrate. I had not been out on the town in years, but this night I felt like I needed to go. Well, guess who was there? I had not seen Ryder’s Dad in a few years, BUT THERE HE WAS! I couldn’t believe who I was seeing. What were the chances?  What was God really trying to show me. We were so excited to see each other. The feelings just flooded back and I was remembering that pure love that we had. Real love. He would never have put me through the horror that I had just been through. Why did it have to be this way? Why couldn’t we just be together? Why couldn’t I find this love with anyone else?  No matter what I did, I couldn’t get over him or find anyone to take his place. I just walked up and and hugged him. I wanted get away from everyone so we could talk. I wanted to catch up on all of the years that we had missed. I wanted to know if he was still unhappy or if life had turned around for him. We weren’t able to leave because we were with friends and the music was so loud that we couldn’t talk that much. All we really said to each other was,that what we had was real and the feelings never went away.He looked at me and told me that it WAS real and gave me that reassuring smile that he still loved me.  My heart was beating out of my chest.  We didn’t talk much because we were with other people, but it felt like a dream. Here we were again and nothing had changed but time. My friends decided to leave and go somewhere else. I hated to leave him, and he didn’t want me to leave either. We just hugged each other and said goodbye. Once again, I walked away from my destiny. I found out later that after I left, he was ready to go. His friend was not ready to leave because the night was young but he was not in the mood anymore, and he was messed up for a couple of weeks after that. What was it going to take for us? I never found out if he was happy or not and that’s what I wanted to hear most. I was happy to know that he still loved me and our history was not forgotten, but I just wanted him to be happy, even if it wasn’t with me. I loved him so much. And here we were again. I think that we were just missing all the signs. We were trying to do what was best for our children or what we thought was best.                                              A couple of years later, I ran into a mutual friend. I asked her how Ryder’s Dad was doing and how his marriage was going? I wanted to hear that he was fine, and that life had gone well for him, I wanted to know that I had made the right decision for him and that everything turned out okay.  The complete OPPOSITE. My heart just sank, and I somehow felt that this was my fault. If only I would have made the decision to stay with him when he was wanting to get out. We could have bypassed all of the turmoil that we both experienced. I thought I was doing the right thing by sacrificing my heart to keep another’s in tact. I found out soon after he married, his relationship was just as bad as mine had been. I wonder now how we both ended up with people completely opposite from us.  We were the responsible ones trying to hold our families together while in return we were being used and taken for granted. I didn’t know that he had reasons to be unhappy besides the fact that he wanted it to work out for us. He wanted to keep what was happening in his marriage hidden because he was embarrassed of his situation, and he didn’t know how to get out. Oh how I wished that he would have told me what was really happening. We would have just did what we had to do back then. Because my previous marriage was the way it was,  I knew exactly what he was going through. He stayed and tried to keep normalcy because of his kids and I was doing the same thing . During the years for both of us, there were good times, but the bad was so bad, that it trumped the good. At the time, I was still in and out of my own dysfunctional and abusive relationship. I allowed him in my life for my son’s sake, and I thought it would be better to have the family together rather than raise him as a single mom. It was years of the same abuse, lies, cheating, and abandonment. After talking to my friend that day, I felt so bad for Ryder’s Dad, and what he had gone through.  If I would have known, I would have never sent him home.  I thought to myself that if the chance presented itself again, if we ever came face to face, I would say yes. If it was God’s will, then it would happen on its own. I was a little curious to what he had portrayed about his life on face book, so I decided to send him a friend request. I wouldn’t  contact him, but I just wanted to see pictures and find out how he was doing. I sent him a friend request and he accepted. I never sent a message, but  I did save his phone number in my phone. I don’t even know why I did that ,but I guess it was fate leading me. One day, I received an instant message from him. He just asked how I was, and I asked how he was. We didn’t really get into any details besides that after my divorce, I was still living in a hellish relationship hoping for a change. The change wasn’t happening and I wasn’t happy. A couple of days later, I received another message from him, that his wife was the one who sent the first message, and that it wasn’t him. I decided to remove them both before any drama began to unfold. How did we let these years pass us and settle like we did? We ended up playing the martyr role,  sacrificing our hearts, and for what? For unbelievably dysfunctional marriages? I was all for saving marriages and keeping families together, but by this time, we both became victims needing to be saved.  Just like in our past, I left that up to fate, up to God.

In my second year of college, I was in a relationship, that was once again, going nowhere. I had still never found a love that could take the place of my first love. I was always trying to fill that void. I was meeting a lot of new friends in college and was wanting to find people outside of my inner circle to hang out with. Once again, out of nowhere I ran into Ryder’s Dad.  Savannah ended up being such a small town. Even though I had tried to change my circle, we still some how came face to face. It was never planned just fate, so another chance to go somewhere to talk and catch up.This was before face book so we had to see each other to know what was going on. One of my new friends, had an apartment that I would get away to study,  and I could go there anytime I needed to. When I ran into him that day, he followed me and we were able to be alone. We were so in love with each other, and no matter where we were in life, if by happen stance we saw each other, we would just have to be together. It was just understood, It was a magnetic pull that we could not control. We were so excited for the small window that we had to catch up and reassure each other of our love for one another. It was like living a dream for us both. It’s what we wanted more than anything. We carved out time for each other everyday for that week following our chance encounter. We went for walks at the college, we met at work, and of course we met at the apartment. We would just stand outside the apartment and hold each other, he would caress my face and just stare at me. During our walks,  we would just imagine this being our lives, holding hands, talking and dreaming that one day this would be more than just a fleeting moment.  These were the most burning memories in my soul, the ones we made during those times that kept us wanting more. We knew that we couldn’t keep going on like this, we would have to face the fact that this was not reality, or could it just be? Could we just go for it?  Could we give up life as we knew it, life just passing through with no real joy, for a romance that was buried deep, ready to come back to life. We would have to make a decision. I wrestled for the whole week with what to do. Here he was again, another chance to have the only person that would make me happy. The one that I longed for, but had to push down deep into my soul, now for reasons of responsibility and other people’s feelings not just our own.  I knew from our conversations that he was unhappy and wanted to get out. He never would tell me the details of what was going on at home, but I could tell he was ready to make a move. Of course, I was too. I was never happy with anyone that tried to take his place. The relationship that he would find me in was always tumultuous and there was no peace. The same for both of us. Late one night, toward the end of that week, my friend came over to my house and told me that Ryder’s Dad was at her apartment with all of his things packed. I jumped up and drove over. He had made a decision. What was I going to do? I loved him so much. I wanted nothing more for us to run into the sunset together and live happily ever after. He was distraught and obviously had been wrestling with decision as well. He wanted to do what he thought was best for his child, but deep inside he didn’t know if staying there was what was best. I was really struggling in college because it was so stressful, and I was living with a friend and had a very jealous boyfriend.  I knew that if a divorce was to happen, that it would be a struggle,  and we would have to deal with all the emotional and financial turmoil that would ensue. I knew in my heart, that he was who I needed to complete me, and he could finally be happy as well,  but  in reality, we had to make that hard decision once again. I was torn apart, how could this keep happening? How could he keep slipping through my fingers and ripping my heart into pieces. I would have to deal with this again and it hurt so bad. I had to tell him that I didn’t think I could handle the stress that would come if we made this move while I was finishing my last year of college. He was hurt. His hope had been shattered. His chance to make his life and mine the way it was meant to be was halted once more. He left that night, and I couldn’t help but think if it really was the right thing to do. What if we never met again? What if this chance never came again, and I let the love of my life walk away when we were so close. I chose my future career over my happiness and destiny. This was the end, or at least we thought.                                                                                          I went to college for three years and graduated with a degree in Dental Hygiene. During the three years of college,  I would think about these encounters that fate had thrown our way. The strangest thing was that it happened by accident every time. It happened a couple more times just the same way but I was still finishing school.  We knew what the ending would be and we didn’t want to hurt like that over and over. For some reason, we could not avoid coming face to face. It all runs together now but it would sometimes be for a couple of days or just a night. We would be elated with the euphoria of love lost found again, but somehow we knew that we would have to end it and return to reality. It was like living a romance novel that would never end like you wanted it to, but you couldn’t pass up the chance to live that novel, even if it was just for a short encounter. Each time we would cherish the moments that we had together and the chance to tell each other how we both still felt. We knew that we would never be able to get away from the feelings that we shared and the memories that we had. I believe that we never had closure because we never wanted our relationship to end. Through the years we were forced apart by our parents or just by life and responsibility and we couldn’t get past that. The last time that we met, my heart was so broken, that I finally turned to Jesus for answers and that was the end, at least we both thought.                                                                                    I found out later that after our last encounter, he never stopped keeping up with me.  He would find out what area or neighborhood I lived in through conversations with mutual friends. He would occasionally ride through the areas just to see if he could catch a glimpse of my life and to make sure I was happy. He never wanted to interfere with my life,  but he just wanted to make sure I was OK.  Once he drove through my neighborhood, and I moved a lot, but he finally saw me in my front yard. He was dressed in all black on a motorcycle. I was a bit intrigued because he just stopped and stared at me.  He finally drive off but came back around. He had on a  helmet and he lifted his face shield, but I still didn’t recognize him. We didn’t ever speak,but I recall the mysterious visit very vividly. He would also call me through the years just to hear my voice and hang up. Ryder’s Dad told me that he never lost me and in his heart, he always wanted to know if I was happy or not. Even if he couldn’t have me, he wanted me to be happy.